No Matter What

A recount of the pursuite of motherhood, first biological and then adoptive motherhood. All the steps towards an open adoption of two half siblings, 1 and 4 years old, until the eldest finishes primary school. The horror stories of abuse and neglect from the birth family and the imprint of these on the two kids. Sally Donovan describes the tiredness, the frustration, the lack of proper support from both feiends and professionals, without sugar coating the "dark side" of adoption, as she calls it.

* Quotes on raising adopted children:
“These children need approaching differently […], they need to feel safe and valued and only then might they start to learn.”

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t deny their feelings, explore them.

Usual methods (threats, rewards, sanctions) do not work. The adoptees see themselves as bad and nothing we tell them will make them feel worse than they already do. Punishment should be “time in” with you, doing some chores together, for example.

When a situation is brewing: stop and think out an strategy. Employ something playful or accepting, showing curiosity and empathy.

In case of an anger explosion: 1) warn them calmly but firmly, that you are going to hold them on your knee to keep them safe; 2) sit them on your lap, facing away and hold them in a firm hug; 3) say “You are safe, I’m keeping you safe and that’s what parents do for their children”; 4) let the kid calm down; 5) revisit later on the incident, calmly, without blame and in narrative form (e.g. Earlier you were playing nicely and then something made you angry, can you remind me what it was?…Oh yes, it made you so cross that you tried to hurt xxx and Mummy had to hold you and then you calmed down and we ejoyed playing together).


* Other quotes:
“For me, the quest for a family has never fundamentally been about our genes but about the experience of raising children.” 

“We did not give our biological clocks room back then. Ageing was something we could hold back through sheer willpower and positive thought”

About infertility: “I would never have believed I could grieve so strongly for what I’d never had - a missing piece of the future.”

About not going through with IVF: “I am just not committed enough to the furtherance of my genes”.

About one of the first times carrying her adopted son: “[…] it feels delicious - to be needed, to be first in line.”

“I really wanted a baby and I couldn’t have one and it hurt”.

“What do I do? I can talk about what I used to do before child trauma came to stay and narrowed life down”.